What If I Don’t Feel Grateful?

We are entering the holiday season, which can be joyful, but can also feel forced and claustrophobic. It is a season rife with expectations of joy, connection, gratitude and happiness. But what if you don’t feel those emotions? Can you still enjoy the holiday season? 

In other words…

What if I don’t feel grateful? 

I have recently been experiencing more anger than I am used to feeling. It has been really interesting. I feel completely justified in feeling this anger, but it is also an uncomfortable emotion to feel, to express, and for others to be around. I was asked to write an article about gratitude a few weeks ago and I found it really challenging to write about gratitude while I was feeling angry. 

Then I went out for a long trail run and let myself feel my unfiltered anger. By not just acknowledging my anger, but really giving myself time to sit with it, feel it, and express it, I found I was then able to also feel actual gratitude hiding underneath. It didn’t change my anger, but reduced its smothering effect and allowed me to feel the genuine gratitude underneath, instead of trying to force fake gratitude on the surface. If nothing else, I am grateful to feel a full spectrum of emotions. And I am grateful to have space to feel cranky and angry and BIG. I don’t want to reduce the magnitude of emotion I feel just because a season dictates that I should feel differently.

We are told that we should feel grateful throughout this season. Every holiday commercial shows us over and over that we are supposed to wear matching footie pajamas, love our family, and feel unbridled joy. 

But what if you don’t feel grateful? Or happy? And don’t own matching footie pajamas? What if your family doesn’t get along? What if “Blue Christmas” is your normal Christmas?? 

I love the idea of radical responsibility and radical honesty, especially when directed inward. It is only then that we can really get in touch with what we are feeling. And only when we are radically honest with ourselves can we then begin to communicate, or consider communicating, our inner experience to the outside world. It may not be as important for you to communicate as it is for me, but I find that these radically honest feelings and communications, while incredibly challenging and sometimes intimidating, can often lead to a deeper, more meaningful connection with others. 

What if you can feel angry or sad and show up anyway? Maybe you are able to tell your people how you really feel, or at least be honest enough to acknowledge the truth of your feelings internally. Maybe it is not the best idea to share your honest feelings with the people you are spending the holiday with, but rather with someone else who can support you or hear you from afar. A text or a quick phone call can release some of the pressure. 

I notice that once I can name what I am feeling it holds less power over me. A therapist friend of mine often says, “name it to tame it”. It totally works, once I acknowledge my “less than ideal” feelings, I often find some nice ones hiding underneath.

I think the holidays bring up a lot of emotions, but we do not always feel allowed to express how we really feel. These challenging feelings come up and then we hold them in because we think we are supposed to be all shiny tinsel and Thanksgiving goodness. 

I think we can have both. Or at least an honest experience. 

Sharing your honest feelings might also give someone else permission to share. Maybe tell one person. Get a hug. Allow yourself to feel angry AND grateful. It can be a huge relief. 

Good luck out there. I’m rooting for you. 

Originally posted November 11, 2021.